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Thursday, 27 May 2010

all about him, who is no longer.

1] Firstly, what's their name?: ....
2] Boy or girl?: boy.
3] When and where did this kiss take place?: outside of my car/his house.
4] And why?: it was just a good-bye kiss.
5] Are you, or were you ever, dating this person?: I was.
6] What kind of kiss was it (peck, make out, etc.)?: light make-out.
7] What were you wearing at the time?: jean shorts, school t-shirt, colorful sandals.
8] What were they wearing?: shorts, a shirt ha.
9] Was it good?: yes : /
10] Anything special about this kiss (ex. they smelled good)?: he has lovely lips.
11] How old is this person?: seventeen.
12] How many days/weeks/months/years is there between your ages?: he's one month older ha.
13] When is their birthday?: november 23rd.
14] Do you talk to this person a lot?: yes.
15] What kind of car do they drive?: honda something or another.
16] Do they have a MySpace and/or Facebook?: mhm.
17] What color eyes do they have?: beautiful blue.
18] Hair?: brownish.
19] How long have you known this person?: since freshman year, but we just started hanging out this year.
20] Was this kiss a mistake?: nope.
21] Have you kissed this person before in the past?: of course.
22] Will you most likely be kissing them again?: well we are on a break, but i'm sure soon whenever we see eachother.
23] What's their AIM screenname?: don't think anyone really uses that.
24] How often do you text them?: quite a bit.
25] Do you have their phone number memorized by heart?: haha no :(
26] Last place you two went together?: our friends soccer game.
27] What's their parents's names?: elizabeth and michael.
28] What religion are they?: catholic.
29] What ethnicities are they?: italian.
30] Do they speak any other languages fluently?: don't think so.
31] How did you meet this person?: just heard of him from a friend and I instantly liked him.
32] Do they take a lot of surveys, too?: ha nope he hardly is on the computer.
33] Do you have any classes together?: we did first semester.
34] What school do they go to?: mine.
35] What grade are they in?: 11th.
36] Admit it; do you like this person?: of course.
37] Where do they work?: no where as of now.
38] How often do you see them?: not enough.
39] Do you talk to their siblings?: when I see his brother at their house.
40] What does their house look like?: like everyother house by it ha.
41] Wait, did you even know this person's name before you kissed them?: oh yeah, I was diggin' him for sure.
42] Ever slept with this person?: not yet.
43] Ever gone past kissing with this person?: nope. ha
44] What music do they like?: classic rock, indie, alternative, hip hop.
45] Next time you will see this person?: I don't know since we are on a "break".
46] What's their middle name?: ....
47] What ethnicity is their last name? (ex. Lai is Asian): not sure..
48] What's their favorite school subject?: hmm no clue.
49] If you're dating, how long has it been?: would be 2 months today.
50] How happy does this person make you, on a scale of 1-10?: use to be a 20, but now it is like an 8. we are too dyfunctional : (
i'm starting on a new path....

I cut away from my the leash called a relationship. I don't really want to go into it because I don't even know what I'm feeling yet. We need a break I know that for sure, but it sucks that we couldn't just be happy now. I think deep down I am just not ready to be in a serious relationship and by breaking it off for a while, maybe then I will be able to go back to it and have it not be damaged anymore. I think by continuing to be with him we are just going to tear each other apart and fuck our relationship up even more. All I can hope for is that something in my mind and heart switch and they become apart of the same page.
Until then I'm ready to party and have fun :)

To Do Today:
-do water aerobics/swim laps
-lay out at the beach
-do toning exercises
-go jogging
-apply for jobs
-work on paper and other hw
-START LOSING WEIGHT.

I'm huge fyi. I wore shorts for the first time this year. Grodi much?

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

boredom strikes.

If you haven't read my post below please do. For now I am just going to do this shit because I am bored.

LAYER 1: ON THE OUTSIDE.
Name: Fuckhead.
Birth Date: Dec. 8th
Current Location: Hell.
Hair Color: Auburn
Righty/Lefty: Righty
LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: That I won't ever accomplish all that I want.
Your dream of the perfect date: Being somewhere very romantic and intimate, like a really cute picnic on a nice evening.
Goals you’d like to achieve: get into the Joffrey Ballet Company.
LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: nooooo.
Your best physical feature: eh.
Your bed time: whenever I want to sleep.
Your most missed memory: when there wasn't so much that could go wrong.
LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: as long as it's diet.
McDonald’s or Burger King: fuck that.
Single or Group Dates: single generally.
Adidas or Nike: nike I guess.
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate.
Cappuccino or Coffee: coffee.
LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: cigs occasionally.
Cuss: allllllll theeeee timeeee. it is bad haha.
Take showers: generally every night, but sometimes in the morning.
Have a crush: yes.
Like school: fuck naw.
Believe in yourself: not really.
Believe what goes around comes around: yep, which means I should be getting some awful karma soon.
Believe everything happens for a reason: god I sure don't understand it if it does.
Think you’re a health freak: I fucking try ha.
LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH.
Gone to the mall: yes.
Been on stage: yes.
Eaten sushi: no I wish.
Been hurt: chea.
Dyed your hair: no, but I think I am this week.
LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: ha yes.
Kissed the same sex: yup.
Gotten beaten up: no.
Changed who you were to fit in: haha sort of, not really.
LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you’re hoping to be married by: like 30's?
Number of kids you’re planning on having: 2-3.
LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: green or blue.
Hair color: don't care.
Short or long hair: medium.
Fat or fit: fitttt.
Looks or personality: personality first.
Fun or serious: both at the right time yah know?
LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: filling out this thing.
1 HOUR AGO: making coffee.
1 WEEK AGO: probably smoking.
1 YEAR AGO: gaining weight :(.
LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: pathetic.
I HATE: feeling like I am losing myself.
I HIDE: my fat, atleast I try to.
I NEED: to better myself in many aspects.
I LOVE: him.
Read and please give me your input.

I am truly losing myself in some vortex that is impossible to get out of. I'm smoking multiple times a week and drinking atleast once. Not only does it kill the possibility to lose weight (due to me binge eating), but it has made me do really dumb shit in the past. I thought maybe all of the dumb hook-up shit was over, but Saturday I cheated on my boyfriend because I was very intoxicated. I knew what I was doing and I knew it was wrong so I am not blaming it on the alcohol, but it did add to the situation. I love my boyfriend so much, but now I am questioning if somewhere in the back of my mind(where only alcohol can take me to) I don't love him. If you love someone is there room for error like that? Like does that automatically make me a liar for all of the times I said I loved him and never wanted to be with anyone else? I really don't want to tell him because I can guarantee that he will break up with me and if he doesn't in the end, he is still going to be incredibly pissed and upset with me. I don't want our trust to be broken, we already have enough problems. I know going through the relationship with a lie is basically having our relationship turn into one big lie, but I really don't think my situation applies to all cheating scenerios. I do love him and always have, but I made a mistake. Humans are not perfect. I know I am far from it. I honestly believe he is the kind of guy that you shouldn't ever tell things like that to. He's sensitive and I don't want to hurt him. If I feel great about our relationship then why bother telling him something that was just stupid yah know? Does it make me a horrible person to not tell him? I know it makes me a bad person for doing the bad act of cheating. I feel like if I do tell him that I am just rubbing it in his face. It isn't like I cheated because I don't like him or our relationship anymore and thats why I need to tell him. That is completely not the case here, so why break his heart and mine for no reason? I know that we could probably get over it and he would recover, but why take a step back when I can just learn from this and move on? I don't even knowwww. Someone please give me their advice, but please try and see where I am coming from.
Note: I said it use to make me do dumb shit in the past. That meant cheating. I know I must sound like a compulsive cheater and slut, but I am not. I only have made out with guys when I have cheated. But in the past when I was dating whom ever, it wasn't as important or real as my boyfriend I have now. This is why I am so worked up about it. I don't want my relationship now to seem as one of the old ones. Fuck. I am just really dumb.

Saturday, 22 May 2010

FATTYY.

Lately I've been getting stoned and then I eat, undoing my entire day when I was doing good. Last night I only had some strawberries and a homemade smoothie, probably less than 300 calories all day. Then I got stoned and drunk then went to Wendy's with my buddy and I had a small fry, small choc. shake, and a grilled chicken wrap. I don't think that was all that bad since it was my only meal, but then way later at like midnight we went to my friends house and I had like 2 bowls of icecream, pizza rolls, a chunk of bread, some potatoe salad, and a peach turnover. That's probably a total days worth of caloric intake so around 1200, excluding my micky d's consumption. FUCK ME. Hopefully it'd only be a maximum of like 1,800 if that. But I don't even know. I'm going to dance right now then after I am going to go swimming, jogging if my friend will go with me, and doing lots of toning exercises.
IN:
-coffee(0)
-hard boiled egg(70)
-yogurt(74)
It is one thing to eat a little bad when you are high/drunk because you need to eat when you are drinking anyways, but I always go overboard. How can I stop this?!?!?!? It is so hard to stop yourself when your mind isn't all that yah know?
I'll update later with thinspo.